Breaking Through the Facade
We live in a very interesting time and place in our world. Success is often defined for us at the expense of our yearning to create our own definition for what makes one successful. A dissonance can exist within us and a battle ensues whereby we try to fit the world’s definition of success while attempting to define what success, and happiness, means to us. Because success is so heavily advertised by what we see and hear, it can foster a sense of inadequacy within us. Before we can decide what makes us happy, external sources often tell us how unhappy we will be if we don’t buy a certain product or have a certain amount of wealth in our bank account. We often chase predetermined definitions of success to the point of exhaustion, and worry that our lives don’t appear abundant to others.
Although it can sometimes appear that any given person has everything working for them, I find that the masks that we wear sometimes don’t accurately reflect some of the inner struggles we are experiencing.
It is this desire to appear flawless in the eyes of those we surround ourselves with that can hold us hostage while we suffer alone. We often pay a steep price for trying to prop up a facade. It is only when we are able to recognize a need to seek help that we can begin a journey of healing.
I have yet to find a person in life who is capable of supporting every need in their life. If your car breaks down, you might look for a mechanic. If you have a rash, you might see a dermatologist. I like to think that if life is out of balance, there are a number of ways you might support your desire to find peace. Building a relationship with a therapist who is experienced at helping people discover a sense of harmony in their lives is an avenue many people consider when life feels out of sync.
It is an honor and privilege to be in a position to help people in our community. When I began forging my own path as a graduate student of Counseling and Psychology, I looked back on my own experiences of reaching out for help when I was in need. Whether it was talking with someone about personal experiences that were troublesome, receiving instruction from a teacher or seeing a medical professional for assistance, it was the working relationship - the rapport that I had with the person in a supporting role, that helped me move forward. Building that relationship with you is extremely important to me. It is a cornerstone of my practice and one that combined with experience and education has helped many work through a vast number of social-emotional issues.
The Importance of Balance
As a resident of Silicon Valley for my entire life of forty years, I have noticed how the speed of life here does not always lend itself to a balanced lifestyle. It can sometimes feel like we are feverishly running around trying to tend to the needs of multiple obligations that we have deemed important in our lives, often without noticing the one obligation that requires constant monitoring and care. It’s the one thing in our precious lives that when it is not properly tended to, makes it near impossible to take care of anything else we have appraised as important.
This obligation I speak of is proper self-care. It is something that often gets the least amount of attention while we are working so hard to please everyone else. If you have ever traveled on an airplane to any part of the world, you have likely heard the flight attendants convey the need for one to apply their own oxygen mask before helping others. Indeed, it is a simple metaphor that accurately conveys how we cannot help others until we have helped ourselves. If you are still reading this, I want to congratulate you on taking the next step towards applying your oxygen mask.
It takes courage to make the first step towards receiving support and deciding that you don’t want to walk this journey alone. Our mind can often deceive us and tell us not to talk with anyone about what troubles us, saying we need to work on our issues in solitude. However, most of our greatest discoveries in life, our finest moments, are not met in solitude. They are achieved through teamwork and collaboration. By reaching out for help, you are giving yourself a better chance at reaching your goals. I want to help you find a balance in life that matches your goals with your actions. I invite you to reach out to me so we can walk this journey together.
Building the Relationship
It is an honor and privilege to be in a position to help people in our community. When I began forging my own path as a graduate student of Counseling and Psychology, I looked back on my own experiences of reaching out for help when I was in need. Whether it was talking with someone about personal experiences that were troublesome, receiving instruction from a teacher or seeing a medical professional for assistance, it was the working relationship - the rapport that I had with the person in the supporting role, that helped me move forward.
Creating a strong relationship built upon trust and rapport is extremely important to me. It is a cornerstone of my practice and one that combined with experience and education has helped me support a vast number of social-emotional issues. Equally important is dedication to the process. Indeed, building a therapeutic relationship is a process that takes time and commitment. Issues that are troublesome to us often do not resolve overnight. However, in my experience, those who commit to the process and find the therapeutic relationship to be a good fit are more likely to make progress.
Grief & Loss
When I have supported both individuals and groups who are involved with grief work, I convey that although you never fully get over the loss of a loved one, you can get through the loss by giving yourself permission to explore and process what you are experiencing. This is something that does not always match how the world informs us we are to handle grief and loss. Society has rather unrealistic expectations for how we are to mourn, often telling us that we need to get over a loss quickly. Yet, grief can take an emotional and physical toll on us and bring with it many emotions and feelings that take a significant amount of time to understand and process.
Regardless of a person’s cultural background or demographic, every person will experience a loss at some point in their life and there is no timetable for when grief resolves. Grief is not predictable, often involves a rollercoaster of emotions and can creep up on us when we least expect it. Grief can also involve secondary losses, which are complications brought on by the event of a death. Such losses can involve, but are not limited to, a loss of income, a loss of security, a loss of roles, and of hopes and dreams. Although we may believe we need to work through journey alone, many are able to more readily navigate the dark waters of grief with the support of a counselor who is comfortable and experienced.
I still vividly remember a period in my life, long before I decided to become a grief counselor myself, when my grandmother, suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease, was nearing the end of her life. It was a tremendously challenging experience for me and for my loved ones to see the matriarch of our family pass away from such a debilitating disease. So many emotions were present within me, many existing simultaneously and often difficult to process alone. My grandmother was in hospice care during her final days and although nothing quite gets you over losing a loved one, the grief counselor my family had access to certainly helped us get through the most intense period of loss and grief.
Our grief counselor was a warm and comforting presence, non-judgmental, safe, and able to walk with us through such a difficult time in our lives. It was this very encounter that inspired me, as a therapist, to help those who were going through their own grief and loss experiences. I have often told people that my work helping those with grief and loss has been some of the most rewarding of my career. I consider it an honor to be a present comforter and co-explorer with people in their own journey through grief.
For Teens
I have a very strong connection with my teenage years and remember how much I longed for an adult figure to guide me through some of my most challenging struggles. There were times I wanted to share thoughts with my parents and times where my parents were the last people in the world I wanted to talk with about whatever was weighing on my mind. Sometimes, having a neutral adult to speak with can help with the process and allow a healthy converstation to take place that can help work the problem.
I know in my own experience, both as a teenager and an adult, our problems can hold us hostage and tell us that we shouldn’t burden people with what troubles us. Unfortunately, when we choose to not seek support, the problem often takes charge and prevents us from moving forward in our lives. My role is not to push you to open up, but rather to provide a comfortable space to talk when you are ready.
For Parents of Teens
For parents of teens who are having a hard time sharing their thoughts with you, I want you to know that a lack of communication from your kids is a very normal, and often healthy, phenomenon. It sometimes might help to think back to your own years as a teen when there may have been a moment, or several, where it was difficult to open up to your own parents. It is important to remember that the more we push, the more we may be closing off any opportunity for future communication to occur. I find that it is extremely important to give a teen a safe and comfortable space to communicate rather than push to the point where communication becomes almost non-existant. My practice is dedicated to providing your son or daughter with a non-judgmental space to begin working through their struggles.
Men Seeking Support
One of the key reasons I did not seek support during my own struggles as an adolescent and young adult was due to a lack of male counselors who I felt comfortable connecting with. This isn’t to say that I wasn’t surrounded by incredibly strong and comforting women in my life. Quite the contrary. However, there were times I wished to find connection with another male who could understand my struggles from a male’s perspective.
In my experiences as a therapist, many of my male clients have spoken to how helpful it has been to have another man to process their thoughts with. To be a male counselor ready and able to journey with men of all ages is something I consider a special honor. It is a role I am pleased to fill for our community of men seeking support.
One significant reason men do not seek out counseling services directly relates back to shame and guilt. Certainly this is not an issue confined to only men. However, with many men there is this idea that we have to pick ourselves up without help and move forward without allowing ourselves to feel the least bit vulnerable. I have yet to meet a man who can do everything himself and make no mistake, I won’t be doing the work for you when you enter my practice. However, when you work with me, we will be working together to help improve your life in a way that outshines struggling in solitude.